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8alchemist8's Blog


Time to armor up

February is at hand.  I hate this month.  It seems like all of the worst experiences in my life happen/have happened in February and my mood is faltering.  I've been feeling uncharacteristically vulnerable lately.  I've been finding myself slipping; confiding in others about my feelings, looking for company, feeling alienated and longing to be (:shiver, cringe:) held.  I find myself wishing for, longing for, love and companionship.  Enough. 

I know better.  Or, at least I SHOULD know better.  It is weakness emerging again, as it always does.  I keep drifting down this path that cannot be taken.  I cannot allow myself to need anyone.  That means it is time to delve into my tried and true bucket of compulsory self-actualization and mental reinforcement.  Here it goes:

I am a hardened machine.  I was created to interface with this world; a hostile pointless world filled with threats and obstacles.  I am a probe and observer, set apart.  This is not my world.  My world is better and until I get back to that, I must endure this life.  I am alone.  Nobody cares for me and I care for nobody.  I am not a rock.  I am not an island.  I am an armored sentinel.  Nothing gets in or out unless I allow it and I do not allow it.  I have a mission.  I have achieved objectives in the past and have reaped rewards and nobody had any part in it except me.  It will always be this way.  I must stay on mission.  I cannot allow my weaknesses to show.  No chinks in the armor.  I need for noone.

Love is a lie.
Hope is wishful thinking.
Faith is blind folly.

Stay strong and stay focused.

I need to find out...

How far I will need to travel, and in what direction, to get out of this permanent rainstorm that the northeastern United States has been trapped within.  It's disgusting.  Normally people would say that rainstorms purge the air of humidity, but this simply is not the case.  It is jungle-like humidity.  Everything stinks and is sticky.   There is a perpetual fog-like haze to everything.  It doesn't get sunny enough to burn it off, nor warm enough to re-evaporate the mist, nor cold enough to condense it.  There is only enough wind, that sluggish sort, to move the next moisture-laden front into place to replace the previous one.   It just settles in and soaks everything.  Paper loses it's crispness, anything left unrefrigerated gets feted and moldy.

I am going to take my camper and head in a direction away from this clammy, dank misery.  It can't rain all the time everywhere.  There is no sun here.  Warmth and light has forsaken this wretched place.

SO... I had written a nice blog...

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A reminder of why you can count me out...

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A brief run-in with an old enemy.

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1-2 of 2 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Time to armor up, posted January 25th, 2013
I need to find out..., posted May 23rd, 2012, 1 comment
SO... I had written a nice blog..., posted May 8th, 2012
A reminder of why you can count me out..., posted April 28th, 2012
A brief run-in with an old enemy., posted March 27th, 2012

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